IBM’s New Motto: Think…About Murdering Everyone!

Dated August 12, 2011

Today I learned that IBM was behind the holocaust.  Not solely, you understand, there were others who helped out.  Hitler, for example.  And probably Leno, though I haven’t been able to prove it just yet.  But IBM had enough involvement that when I read about it I went to get a beverage so I could take a sip, spit it all over my monitor and shout “WHAAAAA!?”

Also disturbing is the fact that a book about this sort of thing came out eleven years ago and no one bothered to tell me.  Among the things I always want to know is which people and organizations systematically murder folk.  I’m making a field spotters guide.  I imagine my future as an evilologist, wandering the national parks and clocking a nazi or what have you in a tree and saying, “Oh look!  There’s a genocidal fuck!  Let’s go that way!” And then I would go in a different, less murdery direction.  Like a boss.

This book, helpfully titled IBM and the Holocaust, from Edwin Black (who I’m pretty sure also sang “I’ll Be”) lays out, among other things, the close, personal involvement and micro-management of Thomas J. Watson, president of IBM, in his companies co-planning and co-organizing of Hitler’s campaign to destroy Jewish people.

Hitler was like, “You know my methods, Watson.  Basically it’s all just brutally killing dudes for no reason.”  And Watson was like, “Cool.  I’ve got an app for that.”

Not to make, you know, the murder of millions of innocent people all about me or anything, but the whole thing kind of makes me feel better about the poor, sad, suicidal Chinese bastards who make the Apple products which run my life.  Not that much better but, at least I don’t own a Thinkpad.


According to Black, from the beginning of Hitler’s regime in 1933 and on through for twelve years, “IBM used its exclusive punch card technology and its global monopoly on information technology to organize, systematize, and accelerate Hitler’s anti-Jewish program, step by step facilitating the tightening noose. The punch cards, machinery, training, servicing, and special project work, such as population census and identification, was managed directly by IBM headquarters in New York, and later through its subsidiaries in Germany.”

Basically they created and maintained a database of Jews and how to round them up.  This list was later recovered and renamed the “IMDB”.

IBM also kept punch card records of every inmate in concentration camps with specific codes for how they died among many, many other things, all of which are detailed in Blacks book.  In no uncertain terms the man for whom the Jeopardy computer is named (of which I have written earlier in this book) is guilty as hell of genocide.

That’s fucked up.

Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: IBM has never denied any of this.

Band Name of the Day: International Business Murderbastards

Quote of the Day: Humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice. -Adolph Hitler

Hitler Was Not A Minimalist

Dated August 8, 2011

Today I learned about the Schwerer Gustav.  In English that translates to “Heavy Gustav” or “Great Gustav.”  But “Great Gustav” sounds like the German bootleg version of an F. Scott Fitzgerald book, so I like “Heavy.”  For the record, “Heavy” is also how I prefer my “D’s” be served.

The Heavy Gustav was a Nazi gun that weighed in at a svelte 1,350 metric tons and fired seven ton shells.  Presumably this thing was invented to be fired at the frickin’ Incredible Hulk because damn.

It was an 800 millimetre (31 inch) caliber bit of horror that was effective up to nearly twenty-five miles.      It took 250 evil fucktards to assemble the thing over the course of 3 days (54 hours), and a crew of 2,500 to lay the guns track and to dig embankments.  So basically it was just point and shoot.

The Heavy Gustav had a sister, too.  Menacingly named “Dora” because, let’s face it, Nazi’s were shit at naming things.  It is one of the few places where they are distinctly varied from Republicans.  Or maybe it just loses something in translation.  Maybe German’s are terrified of that chick that explores shit on Nickelodeon.

Both guns were destroyed during WWII either by US troops or by the Germans who took them apart to avoid their capture.  So, you know, America, fuck yeah!

I predict a huge upswing in people naming their penises “Gustav” in the wake of this entry.

Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: Heavy D’s twitter is verified.  So all those guys out there who want to pretend they’re Heavy D are shit out of luck.

Band Name of the Day: Dora the Death Dealer

Quote of the Day “I was handed a chocolate bar and an M-1 rifle and told to go kill Hitler.” -Jack Kirby