I Once Caught A Fish This Big, And It Was The Saddest Thing Ever

Dated August 11, 2011

Today I learned that the male anglerfish is the saddest fish in the sea.  Really the saddest thing ever.  Basically, no matter how shit your life is take some time today to thank whatever god you believe in that he or she or it didn’t make you a dude anglerfish.  If you believe in no god, I don’t know, thank your barista or something.  Just be wicked, wicked grateful.

Male anglerfish are born pathetic.  They are tiny and weak and barely able to find food.  Many of them are born so shitty that even if they find food they can’t eat it because their alimentary canal (their gut) is “stunted” preventing feeding.  Tiny, hungry and unable to eat.  Brutal.  This will never change.  He doesn’t grow up strong and brave.  He doesn’t turn into a beautiful swan.  Milk does his body no good.  The only thing he has going for him at all is that he has a great sense of smell.

But the anglerfish’s sense of smell reminds me of a girl with purple hair that I slept with a hundred years ago.  On her stomach she had a tattoo that read “quod me nutrit me destruit,” because of course I would sleep with the girl with Latin on her stomach.

“That which nourishes me destroys me.”

The anglerfish isn’t going to use his sense of smell to have the greatest ever trip to Dean and Deluca or to gather his rosebuds or to smell all the food he’s too shitty to eat.  No, he’ll use it to seek out a lady anglerfish.

Fair enough, right?  He’s tiny and he can’t eat, at least he can get some.

When he finds his lady fish, he will find, also, that she is enormous and vicious and….just…so many teeth.  Her jaw wraps around the entire anterior circumference of her head.  She has a part of her spine that hangs out in front of her head and glows, to attract her prey (kind of like a fishing pole at a rave) and when her food lines up for her she’s able to distend her jaw and her stomach to consume shit twice her size.  Imagine, I don’t know, imagine Paula Abdul eating John Goodman.  Something like that.  Basically she’s like the evil fucking monster-fish version of the fliptop jaw guy from the Reach toothbrush commercials.

So the tiny, hungry, piece of shit male will sniff her out and when he sees her he’ll be drawn to her and he will start to bite her.  Not a bad way to spend a night, really.  As Papa Gaiman taught us biting is like kissing but there’s a winner.  Slow down.  This fish doesn’t even get a single decent night.

As he bites her skin he releases an enzyme that melts the skin of his lips to her body and that poor, hungry bastard fuses with the lady down to the blood vessel.  That enzyme then melts all of the fishes internal organs and then its brain and all the rest of the thing until it is just a pair of balls that is fused to the body of the lady fish, there for whenever she decides to make babies.

And that’s it.  That’s the short, fucking horrible life of a male angler.

The lady angler, by the way, can fuse with multiple males so, basically, she’s also a slut.  Bong.

Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: Mitochondrial genome phylogenetic studies suggest that anglerfishes diversified in the early to mid Cretaceous period, between 130 and 100 million years ago.  This has been going on for 130 million years.  Good grief.

Band Name of the Day: Fuse the Fish

Quote of the Day: “Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.” -Mark Twain