Dated August 1, 2011
Today I learned that the mayor of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, is FUCKING AWESOME. His name is Arturas Zuokas, which even sounds badass, he is forty-three years old and he is so very dope. At least the one thing I know about him is, and, frankly, this seems like enough to extrapolate an opinion of the man entire.
It seems that Vilinius has an issue with rich fucks parking their luxury cars wherever they damn please and to hell with pedestrian and bicycle lanes. Entitlement is epidemic. And mayor Zuokas is tired of it. So he decided to do something about it. Something flippin’ sweet.
When he found a Mercedes parked in a bike lane a few days ago do you think he had the thing towed, like a totally reasonable, not super awesome politician might? No, sir. Not this guy. No. Instead he CRUSHED THE DAMN THING WITH A RUSSIAN TANK!
”I wanted to send a clear message that people with big and expensive cars can’t park wherever they feel like and ignore the rights of pedestrians and bike riders,” he said. ”It shows a lack of respect and won’t be tolerated.”
If, by the end of the year, there isn’t a holiday named after this man then there is something truly wrong with Lithuania.
You’re doing the Lord’s work, Mr. Mayor. And you’re doing it with a fucking tank.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: In 2003 Zuokas was prosecuted for but not found guilty of electoral fraud. A parliamentary commission also found that he may have been the “subscriber” in a bribery scandal. None of this makes me like him any less.
Band Name of the Day: Tanked in Lithuania
Quote of the Day: “I don’t think you can in any way export culture with guns or tanks.” -Bernardo Bertolucci
Dated July 29, 2011
Today I learned that the damn “CE” on a calculator means “Clear Everything.” I feel like a universal truth has been revealed to me after being obscured my entire life. I feel more whole as a person. I feel like tomorrow the meaning of life could be revealed to me and I’d be like, “That’s cool and all, but check this shit about calculators I just learned. It’s pretty tight.”
This, to me, is like the time I saw the arrow in the Fed Ex logo and I was like OOOOOH! Right, of course. It’s not only there but has been since Aristotle created overnight delivery or whatever. Been using calculators to help me suck at math since I’m, like, a zygote, and I knew the function of the button, but I honestly didn’t know what the letters meant. I kind of thought maybe it meant “Common Era” and that was just a calculator’s way of telling me that it wasn’t religious. I understood the meaning of “sin” and “cos” and what one might call advanced calculatory (no one would call it that) but that damn CE button, man. In the world of calculators that shit was my white whale and I didn’t even really know it.
I learned this from an episode of How I Met Your Mother which also taught us all that everyone has holes in our knowledge base. Really basic shit that we somehow manage to miss in twenty or thirty or eighty years of being alive and largely aware. It is physically possible to get through life without having any idea who Richard Nixon was or what a pickle is.
At the end of this project we’ll hopefully all be a little more complete. That would be pretty cool.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: The mechanical calculator was invented in 1642. The first electronic calculator came around in the 1960’s.
Band Name of the Day: A Little Wholer
Quote of the Day: “But the age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists, and calculators has succeeded; and the glory of Europe is extinguished forever.” -Edmund Burke
It’s Probably The Least Gross Thing That Could Grow On Your Face
Dated July 28, 2011
Today I learned that my laziness is sexy as hell. At least in one regard. And at least in England. Stubble. That’s where it’s at. Fuck off, razors that are made of, like, seventeen razors at once! Shit that makes your facial hair stand straight up? Sit the fuck down. Prepubescent boys? You’re fucked because you’re not getting fucked! Which is appropriate! You’re not mature enough to understand all the risks and implications of sex! Stay in school! Don’t do drugs! Just say “no” to exclamation points!
In 2008 some UK scientists who, as always, I guess were tired of curing things and giving me back the hair on my temples or any sort of ACME rocket skate, created a study where they showed a group of women photographs of men in various states of beardiness from clean-shaven to Grizzly Adams-esque and asked them to rate the fellas on their perceived toughness, maturity, dominance, aggressiveness and masculinity. They were then asked to rate the dudes based on potential for long-term relationships and one night stands.
Virtually across the board clean-shaven was shat upon. One woman literally pulled down her pants and pooped on a photo of a clean-shaven man. (No she didn’t.) And beardy dudes did pretty well on the long-term program and gave off feelings of maturity, aggression and dominance, but nobody wanted to hook up with them after last call at all.
But stubble. Oh son! Stubble be ballin’. Best on attractiveness and long-term and short term scooty making. So…yeah.
Everyone who has to shave for your job, your boss is trying to make sure you never get laid. Walk off the job and tell him I said, “Hi.”
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: If the average man never shaved for the entirety of his life, at his death his beard would be around thirteen feet long.
Band Name of the Day: Beard Shitter
Quote of the Day: “Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off!” -Groucho Marx
You Can’t Spell “Embarrassed” Without “E”
Dated July 27, 2011
Today I learned that when a person blushes, the lining of her stomach also turns red. I would like to learn the parameters of the experiments that led to this confirmation.
“I’ma cut you open—”
“And then I’ma read your high school love letters to a large group of people, including the waitress that you think is really cute.”
“You know…stuff. Think maybe you’re stomach lining will turn red or, I dunno, start playing scrabble or, I mean, somethings gotta happen, right?”
“You mean aside from my death?”
“Yeah, well, that’s a given.”
“Worst dentist visit ever.”
What the hell is there to be embarrassed about in a situation where your stomach lining is exposed? Ugly gut-parts? Possibly there should be other things on your mind in that moment.
Maybe someone had a camera in their stomach and they were REALLY embarrassed about how it got up there.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: The fear of blushing is called “erythrophobia” and can be so intense that some people opt to undergo surgery to have the small nerves at her spine, which control blushing, snipped to control the involuntary response.
Band Name of the Day: Blushter Keaton
Quote of the Day: “Blushing is the color of virtue.” -Diogenes
The Maybe Too Famous Monster
Dated July 26, 2011
Today I learned that some girls in China express their surprise at, you know, surprising stuff like, I don’t know, bears driving or whatever by saying, “Oh my Lady Gaga!”
The only other person I can think of whose name became an expletive is Jesus Christ. That is some heady shit, man. That’s some heady company. And that chick is twenty-five. Twenty five! Even Jesus was thirty before he really started really killing it as I remember.
If in 2000 years Republicans are members of the Gaga-Right who are misquoting “Poker Face” to justify how much they hate gay people I will rise from the dead and lead an army of my zombie brethren to Capital Hill where I will filibuster on the need to eat everyone’s brains.
Also, since I haven’t invented a word in a minute: “Gagadammit!”
By the way, if this entry seems mean toward her or anything, I actually really like Gaga’s music and if I had her level of fame I’d probably just crawl inside a foldout couch and wet myself for a while because holy crap. Scary shit.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine Gaga said she doesn’t wear pants on stage so that her nearly-blind grandmother is able to see her when she is on television. Because that makes, just, like, all kinds of sense.
Band Name of the Day: Gagadammit.
Quote of the Day: “A record deal doesn’t make you an artist; you make yourself an artist.” -Lady Gaga
Do Cry For Me, Argentina.
Dated July 25, 2011
Today I learned that science has identified the single saddest scene in movie history. Maybe that should be “science.” Judging by the cast of the scene in question maybe that should be, “movie” as well.
The scene is from a 1979 boxing movie which is neither “Rocky” nor “Million Dollar Baby” and is therefore not to be trusted. It’s actually called “The Champ”. And researches apparently use it when trying to make people weep for clinical studies on making girls cry or something. I dunno. But apparently they do use it.
Never having seen the movie I’m gonna watch this clip and live blog it and see what happens. This should be a hoot.
It should probably go without saying that spoilers lay ahead.
We begin with a boxer winning his match in round 6, his son, the always irritating Ricky Schroder cries and climbs into the ring but his dad (I’m guessing he’s his dad) basically ignores him in favor of hugging the other boxer that he just beat up. This boxer looks kind of like, “Get the fuck off me” for a while and so boxer-dad does. He then starts wearing a towel as a cape, like I did when I was playing Batman as a small child…and into my late twenties, and then Robert Duval’s brother’s stand-in leads boxer-dad (worst super hero name ever) away from the ring.
After that some lady in a hat is all, “I’m getting the fuck out of here” and so she does.
Then boxer-dad walks down some steps for a while and eventually collapses because, apparently, you shouldn’t aughtta get hit in the head by giant men for a living. Boxer-dad talks for about forty-five minutes about how he needs to collect some bets and then calls for his child. Ricky Schroder comes in looking like Beiber’s albino ghost and they talk about some chick for a bit, presumably the lady in the hat, then there’s some crying and some title invocation and then we either cut to a new scene where boxer-dad dies or he dies right there and, simultaneously, most of the people around him are evaporated or something. It’s hard to say.
Okay, now Beiber’s ghost is crying and trying to wake up his dad, whom he calls “Champ” and this is actually some pretty wrenching stuff. He cries a whole bunch. He’s trying to get everyone else to wake him up. Yeah, okay. It’s fucking sad. Lady in the hat shows up and she hugs Ricky and credits.
I don’t know if it’s the saddest ever, but not having actually seen the movie it’s hard to say.
I don’t really remember the last time I cried at a movie because I’m mostly dead inside, but maybe Finding Neverland?
Also, I wept like a baby at David Tennant’s last episode of Doctor Who.
Like a fucking baby.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: Ricky Schroder appeared in his first television commercial when he was 3 months old. Late fucking bloomer. In 2000 he spoke at the Republican National Convention in support of George W. Bush and I knew there was a reason I didn’t like that kid.
Band Name of the Day: Beiber’s Ghost
Quote of the Day: “I don’t know why it is, but sometimes I feel like I’m 60. It’s like I’ve been around for a long time. I felt that way even when I was 8.” -Rick Schroder
Dated July 22, 2011
Today I learned that the very first domain name ever ever ever registered was “symbolics.com”. Named, perhaps, because it was more than a site, it was Neil Armstrong stepping out of the primordial ooze, shaking off his fins and eating an apple so that evolution can begin. I may be mixing some things up there.
But it was the beginning. It was a symbol of the tectonic information shift that was coming. A flag for an era. A banner that read, “The world just got smaller and that has to be okay.”
Also, it may have been named that because “Symbolics” was the name of the company that registered it. But I like mine way better.
It was registered on the 15th of March, 1985. The ides of March. I was five. Emma Stone wasn’t even born. Not that she’s, like, on my mind or emmathing. I meant, “anything”.
Symbolics was a computer manufacturer that, like most tech companies from the dark age of the eighties, has since shut it’s doors. But someone kept paying the fees to keep the domain and, kind of remarkably, the site didn’t change hands for twenty-five years.
Until it was sold in 2009 to a company that has yet to really do shit with it. It is now a white flag. A banner that says, “The world has turned and left me here. And I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or what will happen next.” The banner, I guess, got longer.
I don’t know what will happen next, either. But we’ll face it together. You and me.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: Twenty hours of video is uploaded to youtube every minute. That’s roughly equal to Hollywood releasing 86,000 new films every week.
Band Name of the Day: Emmanent
Quote of the Day: “Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.” -Mitchell Kapor
The Two Places Skinny Sucks: Jeans and Bandwidth
Dated July 21, 2011
Today I learned that the unfatness of my pipes is more than just a great annoyance, it is a reason for my friends to shame me. Basically, after a decade on cable I find myself in a temporary situation where my best option, sad as it is, is DSL, which I believe stands for Dumbshit Slow Loading. Or Dragass Suckshit Lameness. Maybe Donkey Scrotum Lactation, which makes no sense but it’ll totes be today’s band name.
Having DSL be your best option is a lot like how death is your best option in a cake or death scenario where cake has been taken off the table. It sucks. It took me three days to download Bioshock, which is almost as sad as the fact that it took me, like, five years to get around to playing that game. If I have updates that need to be performed or, say, want to download Lion, I wait until I visit a friend whose not crippled by geography. It’s a fucking bitch, man. And now I’m being mocked for it? That’s a lot like running up to a dude in a wheelchair and just, like, riverdancing for an hour.
An actual SMS conversation I had with someone who claims to be my friend. With directors commentary in brackets.
TS: I just downloaded 6.13 gigs in less than an hour :)
Me: You’re a piece of shit! [He kind of is for this.]
TS: NO, your internet is. PASS THAT MESSAGE ALONG
Me: It’s twoo.
TS: MANTERNET [He should have gone with “Mandwith”]
ME: If this were the Twilight Zone your internets would come alive right now and kill you, just so you know. They would eat you and when you had been fully devoured they would turn to the microwave and say, ‘I just ingested two hundred gigs of TS in less less than sixty seconds.
TS: 198 gigs. [Because he’s been on a diet. And good for him]
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: Americans make up seventy six point two percent of the world’s internet population, but only five percent of the actual population. Kenya’s version of Tosh.0 is shit.
Band Name of the Day: Donkey Scrotum Lactation
Quote of the Day: “I read on the Internet that I was dead.” -Fiona Apple
Someone Get Me Jerry Bruckheimer On The Line!
Dated July 20, 2011
Today I learned about the greatest car chase I’ll hear about this year. Of this I am quit sure. Maybe that should be car-ish chase. Ish.
If Michael Bay wanted to gain a few inches of traction with the hipster/indy/un brain damaged demo he’d make this movie in a heartbeat. I call it, “Cut to the Buggy!”
I’ll fire up the trusty old Final Draft and get him started:
The dialogue not withstanding, that’s pretty much all completely true. And completely hilarious.
Fun (ish) Fact of the Day: Depending on the state and on local laws it is possible to get a DUI (citation for driving under the influence) for riding a horse while intoxicated. I’ve been unable to determine how the rules change if the horse is the drunk one.
Band Name of the Day: Horsing Under the Influence
Quote of the Day: “If you drink don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” -Dean Martin